Always Lily
by spaciireth
Summary: PostDH, Auriga Sinistra reflects on her own and other's relationships with Snape. SnapeSinistra, SnapeLily.


**Disclaimer: **HP is JKR's and all references to past events in Snape and Sinistra's relationship, with the exception of the scene in the Headmaster's Office, are shamelessly ganked from the very awesome _Lamentations of a Starry Eyed Twit_ by She's A Star.

**A/N:** So, after DH came out, I really wanted to write something Snape/Lily-ish, but nothing was really happening in the ideas department there. Then I reread _Lamentations _in its entirety and wanted to write something Snape/Sinistra-ish, and all the ideas department was offering there was a vague idea that refused to become anything more. And then last night, I was in a kind of post-DH-They're-All-Dead-WOE-IS-ME mood and the idea for this came along. Also, this is the first time I've tried writing in the sort of second person kind of thing. So… yeah. Enjoy.

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It was odd to think I'd never hear another sarcastic comment from you. Never again be on the receiving end of one of your sneers. Never have another reason to call you a bastard. It almost made even the fall of the Dark Lord a bit dull - I had no one to snidely tell me to stop making a fool of myself in the celebrations.

A few days later, we heard from Harry Potter himself. He wanted us to know of your loyalty to Dumbledore and moreover, your love for his mother, Lily.

It was always Lily, wasn't it? You might have thought you did a good job concealing it, but at school it was always obvious. That was half the reason James Potter hated you so much, and in turn why you hated Harry. He looked so much like his father, but you only had to see those eyes to be reminded he was Lily's son as well. The thing is, she might have loved you, too, but you threw away the chance to find out when you joined the Death Eaters, didn't you?

I didn't see you again until I started teaching, but even then you seemed never to have lost your sense of her. There were moments when you thought no one was looking and you let your guard down. I saw the sadness in yours eyes, just for a second, before you'd hide it away again.

And yet, through all the 'starry-eyed twits' and 'dungeon-dwelling morons' and the throwing of coffee mugs, I think you loved me too. Oh, not in the same way as Lily, but you did. Not that you'd ever admit it, of course, that's the last thing you'd ever do, but half the staff suspected it anyway. Victoria Vector was always telling me to do something about the sexual tension between you and I, and even once went so far as to suggest I ought to shag you for your birthday. I told her it would never happen on account of my hating you and your being a downright bastard.

Though it's not like we were without our little romantic misadventures. Even if you discount the first one - we were both stone drunk, after all - there was still that Christmas, under the mistletoe. I can just imagine the look I'd be getting from you for bringing this up now if you were still here. You'd probably try to claim you were drunk then, too.

But even when there was no kissing involved, there were times when you'd look at me and my knees would go weak quite against my will. Times when we'd argued and our noses were mere inches from one another and your eyes would burn with that fierce intensity and it was all I could do to stare back. Then a student would pass us or another professor would tell us we were acting like children and the moment would go and you'd be back to your old self.

But through all that was your unswerving devotion to Lily. It's what brought you back to our side. It's what made you brave enough to go back as a spy. In those final few months, it was the only thing that kept you going.

Two nights before the Battle, I marched up to your office with a view to giving you a piece of my mind regarding how the school was being run. Death Eaters in deputy positions and Dark Arts being taught in the classrooms, it was enough to make anyone sick. It makes me laugh to think about it now, but I thought I might be able to talk some sense into you.

But whatever words I had planned died on my lips at the sight of you. You were slumped in that huge chair behind the desk, barely awake. Your face was lined with strain and fatigue. And in your hand was a torn photograph, which on closer inspection, was of Lily herself. Where you got it, I'll never know, but you seemed to hold onto it for dear life. It was then that I knew, somehow, that all the things I'd come to complain about weren't really your fault. There was just nothing you could do about it, that was all.

I'd been going to leave you alone, but you saw me juts before I turned around. When you didn't even find the strength to direct a nasty comment in my direction, I crossed the room and sat down across from you. You needed company, that much was certain. So I sat, and, after a while, you talked. There wasn't a lot you were allowed to say, but you said what you could.

When you'd finished, you looked down at the photo of Lily again and said, "I did it all for her.' I knew that if I tried to speak now, I'd choke on the lump in my throat, so I stayed quiet. You didn't look up; you were once again lost in Lily's smile.

After a minute or so's silence, I decided it was probably time I left. I was crossing back to the door when you called out my name. When I turned around, your face showed the weakest of smiles.

'Just… take care of yourself, Auriga.'

I smiled back, though I felt a tear roll down my cheek at the same time. 'You, too.'

That was the last time I saw you alive. The next time was when Harry Potter and Ron Weasley brought your body back to Hogwarts the day after the Battle. At your memorial, Harry placed a lily on your coffin before it was lowered into the ground. It was only a small gesture, but so fitting.

Rest in peace, Severus Snape. I hope you find her up there.


End file.
